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by foggynelson



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: I can't believe but I wrote a fix it fic, M/M, who am i?? who am i???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 20:08:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8503666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foggynelson/pseuds/foggynelson
Summary: Living with Magnus isn’t as weird as Simon expected it would be. But it's not where Simon belongs. Only, where he belongs, he can't go.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I told myself I would never write a fix it fic because there are already so, so many great ones. And yet, this happened. Oops?

Living with Magnus isn’t as weird as Simon expected it would be. Magnus isn’t around a ton and when he is, he’s kind. Always so, so kind. He makes sure Simon has enough blood and they’ve had many late night talks. Simon is in constant awe of Magnus. He’s powerful. More powerful than anyone Simon has met - and that includes Jace and Raphael. But he’s also soft. Loving. Simon loves watching him with Alec, can feel how much they care about each other. 

Simon loves Magnus. Not the way Alec loves Magnus, of course. But he loves him. Magnus may always mess up on his name and he may make too many jokes about how he’s in love with Raphael, but Simon and him have found this rhythm, this comfort in each other’s presence and it’s nice. 

Not to say that Simon doesn’t miss the clan. He does. He feels out of place here. Despite Magnus doing everything he can to make his place a home for Simon, it’s not. He’s a vampire living with a warlock - not as crazy as it would be if he was staying with Luke, but strange enough still. Vampires are supposed to live with their kind, supposed to have that supportive system around them. 

But Simon is alone. Not alone _alone_ but without his own kind, he is weaker. Literally. Magnus told him that vampires gain strength from being in a clan. It connects them. Helps them. Simon misses that. The connection he had with others there. Stan was becoming a great friend and Lily would sometimes laugh at his jokes.

And then, of course, there was Raphael. Magnus isn’t wrong when he jokes about Simon loving him. Simon doesn’t totally know what kind of love. He can tell it’s different than how he loves Magnus, but it doesn’t feel like it did when he was in love with Clary. But that doesn’t mean he’s not in love with him. Just. Of course things would feel different. Raphael is different and Simon is different now, too.

Not that it matters. It doesn’t matter how Simon feels because Raphael is gone. Out of reach. A thing of the past. Simon has talked to Magnus about this, asked him what he can do to make it better. But Magnus, no matter how powerful he is, isn’t all knowing. And even after being friends with Raphael for sixty years, Magnus only knows him so well.

“He won’t kill you,” Magnus told him one night. They both had been drinking and were a little drunk. They hadn’t even been talking about Raphael when Magnus spoke, but Simon knew who he meant.

“How do you know?” Simon eyes were wide as they looked at Magnus.

“He didn’t kill Camille, even though she deserved it. He would never kill you. He cares about you, Simon.” Magnus only ever seems to call Simon by his actual name when he’s serious or when he’s drunk - this seemed to be a bit of both.

“He’ll never forgive me, though,” Simon countered. 

“Maybe. You’d have to ask for forgiveness to find out.”

And that’s where Simon is stuck. This idea of asking Raphael to forgive him. Because the thing is - Simon doesn’t regret what he did. Not totally. Camille being free is bad and stupid and not good for any of them, yes. And yes, Simon betrayed Raphael and he does regret that part of it. But Simon did what he needed to. He did what he had to for the only family he had left. Maybe it was wrong. Maybe Simon should be killed or hurt or tortured for what he did. But it saved Jocelyn. And that - that is so important.

Simon sighs as he places his glass of blood down on the coffee table. Magnus isn’t home so he forgoes the coaster that Magnus would harp on him about if he was around. His mind is full and racing and Simon wishes Magnus was home so he would magically make him drinks strong enough that he could get drunk and forget everything. Those are the best nights. The nights he doesn’t even remember. He likes those.

There’s a knock of the door a few minutes later. Simon is a bit hesitant to open the door. It’s not his place. He doesn’t know what the procedure is. There’s another knock, though, and Simon pulls himself off the couch. He looks through the little peephole on the door and sees it’s Alec. Which is surprising seeing as Magnus isn’t home.

Simon opens the door and says, “You know Magnus isn’t here.”

“I know,” Alec replies, stepping inside. He walks over to the couch and sits down. Simon walks over and watches as Alec places Simon’s glass of blood under a coaster. Simon smiles slightly.

“Everything all right?” Simon asks, sitting down on the other side of the couch.

“Of course,” Alec says, but there’s more hostility there than there normally is when the two are talking.

“You can tell me if it’s not. It’s pretty surprising for you to be here when Magnus is out. There must be something going on.”  
Alec sighs. He looks down at his hands, which are clasped together, his thumbs bouncing up and down. He pulls his hands apart and places them on his side. He glances at Simon for a quick second before looking down again. 

“It’s my mother. I’m sick of how she treats Magnus and my relationship with him. I don’t care how she treats me. I’m used to it. But Magnus doesn’t deserve it.” Alec takes a deep breath and looks up. “He’s so good, ya know? The most amazing person I’ve ever met. I never… I mean, I always knew I was gay, but I always assumed I’d just marry a nice girl instead, have a bunch of kids, and that would be it. I never thought I’d find someone. That’d be in love. That’d be happy.”

Simon doesn’t know what to say. He can’t imagine being in that situation. He’d always worried about how his family would react to him being pansexual. When his sister came out as a lesbian and his mother was nothing but supportive, though, that helped. And when he came out to them, the two of them were both happy and proud. It’s so different than what Alec had gone through and Simon wants to reach out and hug him, but he holds back.

Instead, Simon offers, “You deserve it. You deserve Magnus. You deserve happiness and love. You’re an amazing shadowhunter and a good person. I know that you probably hated that I was at your wedding, but I’m glad that I was there. It was amazing. What you did was amazing. This is so cliche, but being yourself is so brave.”

Alec chuckles. “Yeah. Sometimes I have these thoughts, that maybe I should have just married Lydia, that being gay is wrong and I’m bad for it. But then I think about Magnus and the way I feel when I’m with him. That can’t be bad, can it? Love isn’t wrong, is it?”

“Of course not,” Simon replies with a smile. This is the most him and Alec have ever talked and by far the most deep thing they’ve ever talked about. He’s surprised at Alec opening up, but it’s not something he’s going to question. Alec probably would have opened up to Chairman Meow if he hadn’t been here.

Even more surprising, though, is when Alec asks, “How are you?” Simon is sure he’s imagining it, but Alec is looking at him like he’s expecting something from Simon. An answer, more specifically.

“I’m okay. Magnus is a great host and has been wonderful to me. But I don’t belong here. But where I do belong, I can’t go.”

“Have you talked to Raphael since it happened?”

“No. Magnus has a few times and Magnus is sure that Raphael won’t kill me but… That’s not enough.” Alec nods and doesn’t say more. They sit in silence and Simon finishes off the last of his drink. 

“What’s the deal with you two? You and Raphael?” Alec asks a few minutes later. Simon looks over at him. Alec is full of surprises tonight, but he can understand his curiosity. It’s something he’s wondered about himself.

“I don’t know. We were… I don’t know. I care about him. I love him. And he’s hard to read, but I think before all this happened, he maybe didn’t totally hate me. We spent time together and got along well and I’d make stupid jokes and he’d laugh and sometimes he’d smile at me and it felt like the sun was shining on me again.”

Alec lets out a small laugh. “Magnus’ smile feels like magic itself.”

“We got it pretty bad, don’t we?” Simon replies with a chuckle. Then he looks down and sighs. “At least Magnus loves you back.” Simon feels a hand on his back and looks over at Alec, who is giving him a sympathetic look Simon didn’t think would be possible.

“It’ll be okay. That’s something people say to comfort others, right? It will be. You should talk to him. Things can’t get better if you just hide out in Magnus’ apartment every night.”

“I don’t hide out every night. I’ve gone out and helped you guys a few times.”

“I don’t know if I would use the word help…” Alec says but there’s a smile in his eyes and Simon is almost sure he’s joking.

“I’ll talk to Magnus again about it. See if he can get Raphael to agree to meet with me or something. Even if Magnus says he won’t kill me, I feel that if I show up at the hotel, someone will.”

“And your death would be such a tragedy to us all.” Alec smiles.

“You don’t totally hate me anymore, do you, Alec?” Simon questions.

“Of course I do. Magnus is fond of you, though, and I do like to keep him happy.”

Simon laughs loud. “Well I suppose if you must keep me alive for Magnus’ sake, that’ll be enough.”

Alec gives a small smile. Simon opens his mouth to say something about how nice this has been, talking to Alec and all, when Alec’s phone rings. He smiles as he looks at it and then answers with a sweet, “Hey.” He stands up and walks over to the other side of the room.

Simon assumes it’s Magnus and yells, “Tell Magnus hi for me. And ask him when he’s gonna be home.”

Alec shoots him a look, glaring, but he says into the phone, “The vamp says hi. Also wants to know when you’ll be home. Which I would like to know too.” Silence as Magnus says something to Alec and then: “Yes, I have been nice to him. He’s alive, isn’t he?” More silence. “Really? You’ll be that long? Okay. I think I’ll just head back to the Institute. Let me know when you’re home and I’ll try and head on over.” Silence again. “Yeah. I miss you too. Talk to you later.”

Alec hangs up and slips his phone into his pocket. He makes his way back to the couch but doesn’t sit down. “I’m gonna head out. Magnus isn’t gonna be back probably until the morning.”

“Oh right, yeah. Cool. Tell Clary and Izzy hi for me. I’ll see you later,” Simon says with a sad smile. Alec nods and makes his way to the door. Simon turns and watches him as he leaves. The door closes behind him, the sound loud in Simon’s ears. He looks down at his empty glass and Simon feels a bit like it - once full of life and now, there’s nothing left.  


* * *

  
It’s a few days before Simon’s and Magnus’ schedules match up, where they’re both awake and at the loft. Magnus has a cocktail waiting for him on the coffee table when he wakes up. He sits down on the couch next to Magnus and takes a drink. He smiles.

“Alec told me about your little night together,” Magnus says with a smirk.

“Oh Magnus, I am so sorry. I knew I shouldn’t have made out with Alec, but I couldn’t resist.”

“It’s okay, Solomon, I totally understand. His lips? Very kissable.” Magnus smiles. “I’m glad you two seem to be getting along somewhat now. I suppose it helps that you haven’t walked in on us having sex in awhile.”

“That was one time, Magnus. An accident! You were yelling out in pain, how was I supposed to know you weren’t be attacked?”

“I was yelling, ‘Don’t stop, Alexander,’ so I’m not sure how you didn’t realize what was going on.”

“Yeah I obviously did not process what you said, just that there was screaming. And I’ve apologized to both you and Alec, like, ten times. Will you ever let this go?”

“Not until I walk in on you having sex with someone. Which, God, I sure hope never happens.”

“Well next time you’re out and Alec and I are hooking up, I’ll be sure to let you know and you can see that.”

Magnus glares at him and Simon smiles brightly in return. “Anyway,” Magnus says, taking a drink, “Alec told me you want to talk to Raphael.”

“It’s about time. To quote Alec I ‘can’t hide out in [your] apartment every night.’”

“He has a point.”

“I know he does. I just don’t know what to do. And I know we’ve talked about this over and over but I never… I don’t know what the right course of action is. I want to go out and kill Camille and hope that shows Raphael I’m sorry, only…”

“You’d die if you tried to kill Camille.”

“Yeah I know. But just apologizing to him? That’s not enough. That doesn’t make up for what I’ve done. You don’t know how he looked at me that night. Like I was trash, like I was the most revolting thing he’s ever seen in his life. He hates me, Magnus. He must.”

“For him to be that upset with you, he must have cared about you a great deal in the first place,” Magnus points out. 

“I don’t know. Do you think… I don’t know. Maybe you could get him to come over. I can say my schtick and just… It won’t be enough, but i guess I gotta start somewhere.”

“I can try. He knows you’re staying here so I can’t really trick him into coming over. If he comes, it’ll be because he wants to see you, wants to hear what you have to say. I’ll call him now. You should really think about what you want to tell him when he does come.”

Magnus stands up and walks out of the room. Simon tries to do what he suggests, but none of his thoughts are coherent, none of them make sense. Simon only knows how he feels - how he feels about what he did, how he feels about being alone, how he feels about Raphael. That feels clear to him now. 

He’s in love with him. It’s strong, it’s powerful, and Simon aches just thinking about it. He loves how strong Raphael is, both physically and otherwise. He’s a great leader and Simon knows just how much he will do to help his clan, what he’ll do to protect those around him. Raphael is hard, but there’s such softness there, too, so much love and kindness and caring. He sees how him and Magnus are such good friends - on the surface there are such different people, but at their core, they are the same in so many ways.

Magnus returns ten minutes later. “He said he’d come.” Relief and fear both clutch Simon. He wants this - he needs this and he knows that, but the thought of actually seeing Raphael again scares him more than he can say. 

“When?” Simon asks, his voice small and shaky - just the way he feels. 

“He didn’t say. Said he was busy and would come when he can. He said it with such fake annoyance, but I can tell he wants to know what you have to say.” Simon nods, biting down on his lip. He still doesn’t know what he has to say but no matter how hard he tries to think, the words never come.

“You’re right, ya know,” Simon says, standing up. He starts to walk to the hallway.

“About what?” Magnus asks.

“I love him. Raphael. I really love him.”

Magnus smiles, small. “I know.” And Simon disappears down the hall.  


* * *

  
Simon’s asleep when he hears, “Where is he?” He knows it’s Raphael’s voice and he assumes he’s just dreaming. He dreams about Raphael often, about seeing him again, about kissing him and holding him. Mostly, though, he dreams about that night, about his betrayal, about that look on Raphael’s face. It haunts him.

“You have him my old room,” Raphael speaks again and scoffs. Simon doesn’t see him in his dream and he’s never heard Raphael say these things before. He hadn’t know this room had previously been Raphael’s. 

“Give me a minute,” Simon hears. This time it’s Magnus’ voice, followed by the sound of a door opening. And then there’s a hand on his shoulder, shaking him. Simon opens his eyes and sees Magnus above him. “Raphael’s here.”

“Oh,” Simon says, processing what that means. He imagines his heart racing, can see his hands shaking as he pulls himself out of his bed. Simon and Magnus walk out and into the main room.

“I’m going to leave you two alone,” Magnus says. He looks at Raphael and adds, “I’m trusting you to not kill him.”

“No promises here.” Magnus shoots Raphael a look and Raphael scowls but says, “Fine. The baby vamp will live another day.”

Magnus walks over to Simon and pats him on the shoulder. He’s looking at Simon with so much love and care that Simon can’t help but smile, despite how scared and worried he is. Magnus then opens a portal and is gone. It’s only Raphael and Simon now and Simon knows he needs to speak, knows there are so many things to say, but the words are still not there.

Simon just stares at Raphael from across the room. He looks more tired, more worn down that he had been the last time he saw him. He has a scowl on his face, but he’s not looking at Simon like he’s death itself. He’s not even looking at Simon at all, which hurts, but Simon had expected that.

Simon’s eyes begin to sting; he reaches up and wipes them. He looks down at the blood on his hand and lets out a small chuckle. He’s not even surprised to find he’s crying. “I missed you so much,” he whispers, so small, so scared.

“Missed me? You mean you missed the clan. You missed our protection, our strength.” Raphael looks at Simon and there is anger there - so much anger Simon could drown in it and never reach the bottom.

“No,” Simon says, honestly confused how Raphael doesn’t see it - how Raphael doesn’t know. Simon walks across the room until there’s very little space between them. “I missed _you_. Of course I missed the clan, too, but Raphael, beautiful, wonderful Raphael… I missed you most of all.”

“That doesn’t change anything,” Raphael responds. He takes a step back. “Nothing is fixed.”

“I know,” Simon replies, looking down. He runs his hand through his hair and looks up. “But I needed you to know.”

“Well now I know. I guess I’ll go now.” Raphael’s voice is sharper than the fangs sticking out of his mouth.

“There’s more,” Simon says.

“More?”

“More I need you to know.” Raphael doesn’t say anything to him, but he looks at Simon and doesn’t make any more moves to leave. Simon smiles. His hands are shaking and Simon regrets that he’s not wearing his spinner ring. He takes a deep breath and does his best to look Raphael in the eyes.

“I’m sorry. There’s a reason I did what I did and while I am so glad that Jocelyn is awake and okay, I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to let Camille go free. I’m always scared I’m gonna wake up and Magnus is gonna tell me she killed you. Not that I don’t, like, trust that you can beat her up, but the thought of you dying is the scariest thing to me. And I gu--”

“Why?” Raphael interrupts.

“Why what?”

“Why is me dying that scary to you? I’m not your sire. My death wouldn’t affect you at all.”

“Oh Raphael…” Simon’s voice trails off. “Raphael…” Simon reaches up and his hand almost touches Raphael’s face, but he holds back. “Your death would affect me more than anything. I don’t know what I would do without you. I love you, Raphael.”

“You love me?” Raphael lets out a laugh. “You can’t.”

“I can and I do,” Simon replies, confused, his whole heart aching. He doesn’t know what to do, what he can do to show Raphael how much he loves him, how much he cares.

Simon waits for Raphael to speak but the other says nothing. He’s looking at Simon, but Simon can’t read Raphael’s expression. And then Raphael speaks, his voice just above a whisper, “How do you know you love me?”

A smile creeps on Simon’s face. “There so many parts, so many ways and reasons. Um. Oh! Do you remember that one night, we stayed up until the middle of the day, watching all the _Back to the Future_ movies? You thought they were silly, but you didn’t leave. You listened as I talked about how much the movies meant to me, how they shaped my childhood. 

“And then, literally with five minutes left of the last movie, you fell asleep. On my shoulder. The movie ended and I thought about waking you, but I didn’t want to. I wanted you near me. I want to feel your warmth. I think that’s when it first hit me that I liked you as more than just a clan leader, more than a friend.

“I think about that memory all the time. The way you looked. The way I felt. I remember it so, so vividly. I think about it and I feel good and safe. At least I do until I remember how I hurt you. Then it hurts. Because I think… We could have had something good, Raphael. I think, maybe, you could have loved me. I love you and maybe you could have loved me back.

“I love every part of you, Raphael. I never felt like this before. Even when I loved Clary, it was different. It wasn’t this strong, this real, this vibrant. I think of you and I ache. I dream of you. You matter to me more than anything and I…” Simon trails off unsure of what else to add. He stands there, looking at Raphael, trying to read him, but Simon can’t. He’s gotten better at reading some people’s expressions, but Raphael’s have always been hard for him (unless it’s anger; Simon can read Raphael’s anger with ease).

And then… And then…. Then there’s no space between them; Raphael’s face is right in front of Simon’s. And well, Simon’s read a enough fanfiction where the two character’s lips “crash” into each other’s and Simon always thought it sounded uncomfortable and, honestly, very impractical. But Simon can’t think of any other way to describe his lips meeting Raphael’s - the crash, they bump. The kiss is rough and a mess and there’s blood and fangs and, honestly, Simon has never had a better kiss.

They part and Simon pants, despite not needing to breathe. He looks at Raphael and doesn’t know what to say. He can’t believe this happened. If he couldn’t still taste the blood in his mouth, Simon would have thought he imagined it all. But it did happen. Raphael Santiago kissed Simon Lewis. Simon grins wide, unable to help himself.

Him and Raphael are still standing close, but neither of them speaks. Which is okay with Simon. Just okay. He wants to talk about the kiss, ask Raphael what it means, but he doesn’t want to push the other. So he waits. He watches Raphael and he waits, bouncing his leg as he does.

“I can’t forgive you. Not yet.” Raphael’s voice is strong and Simon’s heart shakes.

“I understand,” Simon says, looking down.

“But I can try,” Raphael says. And then, “We can try,” he corrects himself. He reaches out and grabs hold of Simon’s hand. Warmth spreads up from Raphael’s touch and across Simon’s body to his heart.

“Let’s go back to the Dumort,” Raphael says.

“Let’s? As in let us? As in you and me together?” Simon questions, grinning.

“Yes, idiota. Let’s go home.”

Simon smiles as wide as he can, looking at Raphael. “Home.” The word has never felt so good.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!!! Please please let me know what you think!!!


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